Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at
Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU,
Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the
tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off
with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you
will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner
will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to
the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and
so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written
each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over
when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
"The following was actually turned in by two of my
English students:
Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."
---------------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea
she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite
for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of
Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked
chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep
her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating,
and if she thought about him too much her asthma started
acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. -----------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of
the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had
more important things to think about than the neuroses
of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom
he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a
bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted
a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the
direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but
not before he felt one last pang of regret for
psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for
him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.
The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She
stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the
days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become
a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds
to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the
Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion
missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress
had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien
empires who were determined to destroy the human race.
Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
literature. My writing partner is a violent,
chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. ----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of
Valium.
----------------------------------------------------------
Asshole. ----------------------------------------------------------
Bitch.
